Stories from Ukraine.

12 Gifts of

12 Gifts of, 2020

You know the old, rhetorical question about giving gifts?

“Am I doing it because it feels good to give? Or am I doing it because it makes the other person feel good?”

It’s one of those little anxiety-fed philosophical earworms that comes crawling about this time of year. Let’s clear this up real quick. The answer is:


That’s why it’s the actual best. So, to zig the zags out of your distribution during the weirdest holiday season at the end of the weirdest goddamn year of most of our lives, CONVICTS has compiled a little holiday gift list.

But not just any gift list.

A gift list that will focus on the best things of the worst year. We aim to invert your evil memories of 2020 and, as we do, strive with mixed results to drag their silver linings out in a givable format.

Scope the list below as a vibe-based guide to your gift giving.

After a careful review, we determined that no pants are in fact better than sweatpants. Sweatpants, however, come in a close second. Third place is a contest between a soft pair of underwear and another soft pair of underwear. Get these silver-medalist alpaca fleece sweatpants from the good people of Goodlife.

Look, just about everything about Tiger King was wrong. But also, just about everything about Tiger King wasn’t just so right, it was transcendentally right. It was a real-life Southern-gothic look into a real and fetid cavern of the American psyche. It brought us all together. Get your Joe Exotic Merch now then figure out how to explain it to your colleagues on Zoom later. They’ll get it.

We’re really not sure how this stuff works. We are, at best, liberal arts majors. That being said, the collective CONVICTS mind has been going through the intellectual equivalent of a taffy puller trying to figure out how our homies at Air Vodka do what they do: they’re distilling vodka from the carbon they suck out of the air. The Air Vodka crew is going to be a big deal. Fan up now.

No.4: If You’re Letting Last Summer’s Lessons Fade, You’re Blowing It

Seriously though, most people woke up about systemic racism over the summer. Just because Biden won doesn’t mean it’s time to put down the conversation and lay off the hard work. Inertia is a hard force to break. Avoid it with this reading list:

“Sorry boss, my internet connection is bad today so I’m going to have to keep the camera off.” By which you mean: “Sorry boss, I haven’t showered in two days and due to the vein of vintage Gucci Mane mixtapes I hit on YouTube, I was unable to prep for this meeting. My face will be one of chaos, which I cannot reveal. Yet my underside is comfortable.” Apologies for the flashback, but we spent near enough time horizontal this year to develop bedsores. Work from bed isn’t going anywhere in 2021. Labor in the luxury you may or may not deserve with these premium sheets from Brooklinen.
Tell you what. There hasn’t been a whole lot of opportunity for romance this year. There has, however, been what can only be described as an overwhelming abundance of opportunity for self-love. For some, an innocent trip to that one aisle at Rite Aid suffices. Others want a higher caliber of experience. Just because 2020’s on the outs doesn’t mean anyone should get reckless and quit treating themselves. Here are some of our favorite vibrators from this year of use.

12 Gifts of, 2020