Is Valentine’s Day: 

A) a late-capitalist trash pile of cheap sentiment, chocolate nothings, and plastic cardiac organs?

B) a celebration of the joy of love and intimacy, the beauty of sex, and the value of mindful partnerships?

C) Both. 

The correct answer is C.

 

Valentine’s Day neatly distills the dilemma faced by all decent humans in our late-capitalist reality: how to do good when there’s a whole lot of bad attached?

Have no fear. In fact, you can sustain your relationship while staying sustainable. CONVICTS combed the Internet’s digital wasteland for advice on how to have an eco-friendly V-Day. We’ll drop eco-tips for the next 24 hours.

TIP 1: COME TO CONVICTS PROM THIS FRIDAY @10PM @PUBLIC ARTS; FULLY SUSTAINABLE, GOOD TIMES GUARANTEED.

TIP 2: Don’t opt for flowers. It turns out the floral industry is no bueno for the environment. Get a potted plant instead. A far better metaphor for a relationship anyway: you put roses in a vase and they die. But with a plant, you have to mindfully nurture, feed, and water that little guy, just like your relationship. 

TIP 3: Avoid lame Hallmark cards–they’re just tacky, plastic bad news. No one wants them. Go with Ecards, or upcycle old materials (like say, playing cards) to make a card for your person. Really anything you can put feeling and creativity into. Get across this one. 

TIP 4: This is easy. Cook a romantic meal at home (using locally sourced ingredients, naturally).  This is way more sensual than going out in public and getting distracted by reservations/transportation/other people. You don’t even have to finish eating before you bone.  You should do the dishes, eventually, though. 

TIP 5: This is straightforward: sustainable lube from Good Clean Love plus sustainable condoms from The Original Condom equals sustainable sex after the CONVICTS party. What’s not to love?  

 

Happy Valentine’s Day, you crazy kids.