The nineties. A decade that feels like a sunny daydream in these troubled times. Everyone low-key thought history was over, democracy won, and it was going to be smooth sailing into the future. Plot twist: nope.

We now know how wrongheaded that sentiment was. Alas, that doesn’t spare us from nostalgia for grunge, flannel, and cargo shorts. It especially doesn’t spare us from cartoon nostalgia because ‘twas The Golden Age of Cartoons. On Nickelodeon specifically. The channel was an embarrassment of little kid riches. That being said, some of the cartoons seem quaint these days. With that in mind, we thought we’d update the content of those antiquated cartoons for our present reality.

Rugrats

Formerly the story of mischievous toddlers and their beloved Reptar, Rugrats is now a show about kids who didn’t take their Adderall. Mayhem and good times ensue, up until Mom manages to wrestle a pill down their hyperactive, normal little throats.

Angry Beavers

Cancelled due to degradation of cartoon environment and animated watershed depletion.

Rocko’s Modern Life

Formerly, Rocko’s served as a cautionary tale about taking too much LSD before pitching a cartoon concept to Nickelodeon. Now, it’s a cautionary tale about not combining synthetic brain exploding fake weed with bath salts before pitching a cartoon to Nickelodeon. The cartoon is as fundamentally twisted as ever.

Hey Arnold

A cautionary tale about gentrification. Football Head, Helga, and crew have relocated to Park Slope, where they lead extremely structured childhoods full of practice, rehearsals, and kale snacks. Pigeon Man has long been arrested and Stoop Kid wasn’t allowed into Stroller City.  

Ah! Real Monsters

Formerly the story of trash-heap dwelling cartoon monsters, Ah! Real Monsters is now an educational show. About Washington D.C. and politics in general, a la Schoolhouse Rock. The main characters have been replaced with slimy swamp monsters, lecherous lobbyists, and Michael Cohen.

Rocket Power

Rocket Power sold an entire generation on action sports. Now, as an entire generation tries to sell themselves online, Rocket Power follows suit. Otto and Co. skate and surf as ever, only now their ultimate goal is to post the perfect video on their instagram feed and become extreme influencers.