Words by Elizabeth Cuomo

Do you need help deciding what to get your special someone for Valentine’s Day? Read on to discover the perfect gift for your relationship level.


Level One – Flowers

Flowers are flattering and simultaneously light-hearted. Flowers say I’m thinking of you on this special day, but not like, all the time or anything! Ha ha! Wondering what kind of flowers? If you’re feeling horny this Valentines Day, go for red roses. Don’t feel limited to a cliché color palette. Pink, orange, yellow, go off! Anything but tulips, those are for your mom.

Perfect For: When you’re still in that exciting stage of a new relaysh where you’re hiding all of your psychopathic tendencies from your crush and attempting to remain “chill”. 


Level Two – A Home-Cooked Meal

Preparing your special someone dinner on Valentines Day is heartfelt, and that makes it sexy. This Thursday, invite your lover to your apartment (that was totally NOT cleaned up specifically for their arrival) so that they can enjoy a delicious, handcrafted meal. This is a gift that says, Hey baby, let me spoon feed you this eggplant. Because I remembered that you’re vegan.

Perfect For: Saving money. Gratuity? NON, MERCI ! Added bonus: It’s a sneaky way to decrease the proximity between your date and your bed.



Level Three – A Professionally-Cooked Meal

Feeling extra-special about your date this year? Treat them to an overpriced dinner and act suuuper casual about all the money you’re spending. Order a nice bottle of wine. When the waiter offers a taste, pretend that you know what a nice bottle of wine tastes like. Oaky tannins? Notes of fruit mixed with bathwater? Who knows? Who cares! Smile and nod.

Perfect For: When you’re expecting a larger-than-expected tax refund and you want to impress your date with how filthy stinkin’ rich you are.


Level Four – Expensive Liquor

Valentine’s Day is a holiday and holidays are meant to be celebrated. Nothing says celebration like getting drunk… In style. Make sure to do your research and prepare some talking points about why this is such an amazing bottle of booze. Or, make up some jazz about, say, small batch whiskey that is distilled by Nicaraguan nuns. 

Perfect For:  When you’re courting a classy person and you want them to think that you’re as classy as they are. Realistically, you’ll sound a lot more convincing when they’ve had a drink or two. 


Level Five – Shiny Stuff

Loving someone for an extended amount of time means that sooner or later, you’re expected to buy them something shiny. Because that’s what love is! Keep in mind that your shiny gift doesn’t necessarily have to be jewelry. Does your slam piece love to cook? Get them a big, shiny knife!

Perfect For – Let’s be honest, you saw this one coming.