So, you remember a few years ago when Trump won the election in a ridiculous come-from-behind upset? Then, at the following Oscars, Moonlight righteously beat La La Land in the same way? Then, the Patriots beat the Falcons in the Super Bowl… in the same way?
There was much–in our opinion, deeply sound and rational–speculation about whether this pattern of improbable victories finally confirmed our suspicions that reality is, in fact, a simulation.
An algorithmic game run by invisible titans who bat our meagre human lives around like cruel children playing some kind of organic, open-world video game. The evidence does not exactly abound, but seeing as we were grasping for some kind of bearing on our strange new reality, we latched onto it.
Two years later, we’re still, to use the technical term, pissing in the dark when it comes to the brave (only because it’s scary) new world that we inhabit. Up still seems an awful lot like down. We’ve gotten closer to melding, completely and possibly on accident, with our smart devices. We’re looking for something, anything, to give us hope for the future.
Well, dear readers, a few weeks ago we got a glimmer of what could be: Nick Saban, the Darth Vader of college football, lost in a route to Clemson, coached by Dabo Swinney, an incorrigibly nice fellow.
We’ve long assumed that Saban has some kind of pact with Satan to guarantee his ominously named Crimson Tide roll to national championship victory year after year. Similarly, we’ve assumed something even darker about Bill Belichick (the villain of many an NFL scandal and roughly as likable as a dentist appointment): that he has a secret blood-pact with forces unknown to humans of virtue.
So, in this sense, we are not viewing this Super Bowl as a mere game. No: this Super Bowl is something like an I-ching being thrown in real time. If the Patriots win, we can assume business as usual.
If the Patriots lose, if they get smoked the way Bama did, if Belichick’s spell of almost supernatural NFL dominance is broken, we can assume two things: reality is a simulation, and that better days are ahead. That the cosmic algorithm is shifting.
Completely kidding on all of the above but also: