Words by Cameron Higgins
2019 is indeed a new year. For some reason, this January feels like an especially fresh start. It’s as though we’ve crawled out of some ash-heap and though we’re still spitting cinders, we can see the sun again. Then again, we’re like a week in, so we’ll see.
Either way, something strange happened last night.
The Clemson Tigers blew out the Alabama Crimson Tide 44-16 in the college football national championship. Now, we at Convicts have never claimed to be gridiron aficionados. That being said, we pull for good across the board. And Nick Saban, the coach of Alabama, is a capital-B bad dude. Like Bill Belichick. His ability to constantly win, his dark moods and aloofness all contribute to a sort of, Southern-fried sith lord on the sidelines. Dabo Swinney, the Clemson football coach, is the polar opposite: gracious, humble, eloquent, kind, probably volunteers a lot and tells his players to be nice people. We are unbiased when we say that Saban: Evil, Dabo: Good.
We were pulling for Dabo and the Tigers.
So, it was to our pleasant surprise last night that the forces of good triumphed on the football field. Clemson kicked the shit out of ‘Bama. Yet…it was also disorienting. We have no doubt that in some moss-and-vine draped estate in the Bama swamps, the lights are flickering strange colors, a live-looking fog ghosts its way between the white columns, and disembodied howls echoed through the night.
Don’t be alarmed: this scene may very well be the produce of prominent ‘Bama frat-lords mourning their loss at one of their dad’s spreads, we reject that hypothesis. On the other hand, it’s plausible that this noise resulted from the breaking of a blood pact Saban made with the dark gods of SEC football to ensure national championships as plentiful as waves on the sea. We have little question that Saban is involved in some kind of ritual sacrifice with nefarious forces. It’s clear from his soulless demeanor that he in fact, has no soul.
All of this is essentially gibberish, but what we’re trying to say is: when the evil favorite, the one everyone feels hopelessly up against, loses in the year’s first main sporting event, we can only hope it’s a harbinger of things to come on a grander and more significant scale this year.
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