Words by Cameron Higgins
Holy, sweet mother of McDonald’s: it’s happening. Trump is meeting with his sworn nemesis Kim Jong-Un. This shit is actually set to go down. It is actually historic, considering that, for the past seventy years, no American President has met with a North Korean leader. Think of this article like a time capsule: perhaps, it will be made irrelevant as our laptops will have evaporated in a storm of nuclear fire. Perhaps though, we’ll remember this moment of tough talk and nuclear hysteria like a bad dream.
We at CONVICTS suspect that something strange is going to happen at the meeting between Little Rocket Man and the Lunatic Mean Old Tricker. Just for context, Trump called Kim Jong-Un “Little Rocket Man” and threatened to wipe his nation off the face of the earth with “fire and fury.” Kim responded by calling Trump a “dotard,” a word there is zero-percent chance our President knew the meaning of. CNN reports that, on North Korea’s state sponsored TV network, Trump is described as “a lunatic mean old trickster and human reject.”
We’re dealing with similar dudes here. One actual dictator and one wannabe dictator (who just this week suggested America should look into the option of making the presidency a lifetime position), squaring off in a conversational ring and no big deal: only the fate of (much of) humanity hangs in the balance.
Our first inclination was to flee major metropolitan areas during the talks, to avoid the atomic mushroom clouds popping up on strategic targets all over the world. Inevitably though, the radioactive brain-eating zombies would find you holed up in your upstate retreat and things would go downhill. Not a great option.
Our second thought about this situation — the one we think is actually going to happen — is that this meeting’s gonna be like a nuclear Tinder date. Trump and Kim Jong-Un are going to become best friends. They have similar interests, shared passions, similar personalities and even physical builds. Trump would likely admire Kim’s self-deification and creation of a prison state. Kim Jong-Un almost certainly appreciates Trump for dragging America into a pool of mud and shit, geopolitically speaking, and envies the extent of our President’s potential corruption. You can fuck way more shit up as the President of the United States than you can as Supreme Leader of North Korea.
We have a feeling these two are really going to hit it off. So, our main hope for the coming US-North Korean alliance is that Kim’s known homie, Dennis Rodman, shows up and live streams the whole thing.
Elon Musk to the Rescue: Part II
Words by Elizabeth Cuomo Two days ago, I said that there was no challenge too daunting for Elon Musk. It ...
Michael Cohen…Potential American Hero?
Words by Cameron Higgins Michael Cohen, Trump’s longtime fixer, lawyer, and all around thuggish-seeming lackey seems to be on the ...