Words by Elizabeth Cuomo
Happy July! Here’s your Convicts Horoscope:
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
When it rains, it pours. If you’ve been experiencing a dry spell lately, have no fear. Venus is giving you a helping hand this July and you should expect to feel sexier than usual. Throw on a floral print! Did you lose weight? Hit up that rooftop bar cause you’re glowing, baby! Summer won’t last forever, so go crazy and send a winky face at the end of that text and see what happens.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Bad news, Aquarius. There’s a lunar eclipse on the 27th of July, just about six months from your birthday. That means that the moon is going to be messing with you, and you’re likely to feel vulnerable, emotional, and susceptible to outbursts. If you sense yourself about to go full-crazy on your roommate for leaving dirty dishes in the sink, remember to take a time out, blame it on the moon. Scream into your pillow, and take a nap.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You’ve been working like a dog, and we can see the bags under your eyes from the other side of the screen. This city is killing you slowly, but your July horoscope points to some particularly advantageous, harmonious vibes coming your way. The time is perfect to hit the reset button and take some time off for a well deserved vacation. Have you ever enjoyed a fresh espresso from the comfort of a quaint cafe on the Rue de Rivoli? No? What are you waiting for?
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see… I see.. You! You’re violently inebriated, it’s very late, and you’re crying in an uber. Mars is in retrograde all month, and this planet is going to be intensifying your relationships. Things can boil over quickly, especially when it comes to love. If you find yourself arguing with your loved ones, try to stop yourself before it’s too late!
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
You’re about to enter a month so full of personal growth, it’s like you’re starring in your own coming-of-age novel. You’ll have ups, you’ll have downs. You’ll have loop-de-loops. Fake friends and real ones. Embarrassments and triumphs. It’s going to be an eventful month, especially for someone like you, Taurus, who avoids change. But have no fear. Despite Mars in retrograde, your vibe is strong.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Everyone knows that out of all of the signs on the astrological calendar, when it comes to acting out for attention, Geminis are the worst. Your horoscope this July is no exception. Since your birthday was last month, you’re like an aging actress. You can sense the adoration slip away from you, onto those who are younger. Well, stop acting out and learn to share the spotlight. It’s not all about you, ok?
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
One time for the birthday bitch! Two times for the birthday bitch! It’s cancer season and this is your time to shine, baby. Since it’s your month, don’t forget to take every opportunity to soak in all that sweet, sweet attention. Cancers are notorious for their defensive exterior, so try and break out of your shell and have some fun. Live a little.
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
Leo season is almost upon us and your aura is radiating. You’re feeling sharp, alert, and collaborative. You’re in peak performance to throw the best banger this upcoming Fourth of July has ever seen! Use this extra energy to organize the troops and coordinate this year’s party plans the way none of your loser friends are capable of. We need people like you, Leo. Or else we’re going to end up missing the fireworks from the same lame bar as last year.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
The stars predict that you’re likely to feel a swell of inspiration coursing through your veins this month. If you’re feeling ready for change, don’t go too crazy and make some life decisions that you’ll end up regretting. Bottom line: Hold off on that trip to the hairdresser. While your friends are too scared to say it, maybe you just don’t have the right face for bangs? Start with something small. Rearrange your bedroom or something?
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
This July, you are feeling especially ready to say yaasss to anything — even when your bank account is begging you to say no. Libra, we know that you love to be the life of the party, and it’s hard to resist a good night out, but remember to balance your social life and your savings, or August is going to be a much less glamorous, Top Ramen kind of month.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
As a scorpio, you’re not afraid to take a walk on the wild side. Mars is going to be messing with your energy this month, making you extra aggressive… extra scorpio-y. Take this piece of advice and try and control those inner demons by watching how much you drink this July. A sauced scorpio is a dangerous thing. The stars indicate with 100% certainty that if you take your shirt off and try to fight the bartender during brunch, your partner will not find it endearing.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
Your horoscope predicts that this July, you’re going to be kicking ass at work and everyone will be jealous of how successful you are. The stars say: Fuck ‘em! Keep up the good work. Just remember to put the same effort into personal relationships, or the summer is going to pass you by and before you know it, you’ll be sipping a pumpkin spice latte dreaming of your next vacation.
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