Consider this a gentle reminder that this Sunday, May 13th is Mother’s Day. Is it a capitalist scheme to commodify the intense and loving relationship between mother and child? Perhaps. Is it an oppressive construct foisting a narrow definition of motherhood on the world’s women? Quite possibly. Is not participating an option? No.

Mother’s Day is not something you can or should miss. If you’re lucky enough to have a mother to call, you should CALL YOUR MOM. If you’re lucky enough to be on our CONVICTS’ Party of the Week email list, you’ll know that’s a recycled line. But this holiday is worthy of a double reminder. Because moms are awesome. Bastions of unconditional love are rare and complicated though our relationships with them may be, moms are one of the few bastions of this gift. So, without getting mushy here in the office, we present CONVICTS’ Guide to Mother’s Day.

Now, Mother’s Day isn’t hard or expensive if you stay on top of things. But staying on top of things is, frankly, right up on impossible and you’re probably as broke as us. That’s why we’ve arranged this guide according to procrastination levels and budget.

On Top of It and Flush

Recall what your mom likes to do. Drink gin & tonic? Sea kayak? Garden while listening to rock and roll? Then you should buy her a kayak, put a bottle of gin, festival tickets, and a new trowel in the seat, wrap and send. Also, send a glossy, clever yet sincere physical card. And call her on Sunday.

On Top Of It and Broke

Make her something nice. Like a poetry chapbook. Or a painting. Or a cookbook. As you’re too broke to buy your sweet mom anything, you’re probably a creative type anyway so this shouldn’t be too hard. Bonus points for hand-making a card out of recyclable materials. And call her on Sunday.

Kind of On Top of It and Flush

Rush deliver everything or call somewhere in your hometown that accepts cards and delivers mom-friendly gifts. Overnight a card. And call her on Sunday.

Kind of On Top of It and Broke

Make a photo album on your computer. Craft an elaborate e-card, assemble a list of recommended books/movies/music that says “Not only am I a living human with a pulse, I also care about you, Mom.” And call her on Sunday.

Not On Top of It and Flush

Bribe your younger sibling who still lives at home with Venmo to buy your mom something nice. Or get lavish with an online gift card. And call her.

Not On Top of It and Broke

E-card all the way.

Happy Early Mother’s Day. We love you.