The 2018 Winter Olympics are upon us.  The two week long icestravaganza is taking place in Pyeongchang, South Korea. Some people are worried about political unrest, we at CONVICTS think everything’s going to work out fine in that department.

We are, however, concerned about the Olympic Committee’s decision to remove the following sports from the Winter Olympics over the years.

The following sports all offer beautiful opportunities to get weird in the cold. See what we’re missing out on below.

Skijoring

This sport is amazing. It’s like dogsled racing, only instead of riding in a sled, the athlete is on a pair of cross country skis getting pulled by a canine or horse. Picture the guy wearing spandex shorts rollerblading, getting pulled down the sidewalk by his dog, only on snow.   

Skijoring is a Norwegian word that translates to “ski driving.” Weirdly, this sport only appeared once on the Olympic roster: in 1928.  

The absence of this sport seriously diminishes the Olympics cuteness factor.

Ski Ballet

Ski ballet is fucking incredible.  Enjoying its heyday in the 70’s and 80’s, ski ballet is like low-impact freestyle skiing.  Competitors perform choreographed spins, flips, and tricks on skis on very mellow ski slopes, all timed to music.  Absurd spins, one footed manuals, strange buttery nose-presses and whirling, neon chaos define ski ballet.  This is like figure skating on skis, only with hair metal.  It also, unfortunately, made a single appearance in the 1988 Olympics.  

Ski ballet does, however, live on in an endless series of epic YouTube videos that will teleport you into the 1980’s.  It’s a travesty that ski ballerinas are a dying breed.

Ice Stock Sport

Ice Stock Sport is like curling-lite. Don’t be fooled by its boring name: is also known as Bavarian Hurling (way better) and plays like bocce ball on ice. Competitors slide a heavy, top-shaped object called a “stock” toward a central target called the Daube.  The daube, like a shuffleboard puck, slides around when hit. Teams score points for getting their ice stocks closest to the daube. Ice Stock Sport made appearances in the 1936 and 1964 Olympic Games.

This sounds like a great bar game if you spend time drinking at the North Pole.  But since there’s nothing we’d like to do more than drink with Santa at the North Pole and play weird bar games, we’re bummed Ice Stock Sport is no longer in the Olympics.

Speed Skiing

This sport is sendy. It’s the drag race of ski racing: racers try to go as fast as possible downhill in a straight line.  The courses are one kilometer long, steep AF, and generally located at high altitude where the air is thinner and less prone to causing wind resistance. Speed skiing made an appearance at the 1992 Olympics.

Racers regularly get going over one hundred and twenty miles per hour in this event. Which sounds terrifyingly awesome to watch. How wrong is it to say that the wipeouts sound nearly as appealing as the main event?

Dogsled Racing

Not just for the Iditarod anymore. You already know how this one works: man in sled pulled by team of fluffy wolf dogs.  Dogsled racing appeared in the 1932 and 1994 Olympics.

We’re unsure how the dogs feel about this event.  We are sure that we’re bummed at the lowered cuteness factor resulting from the sport’s absence. If this event were still in the Olympics, it would add a very pleasant Puppy Bowl vibe to the situation.

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