To no one’s surprise, special counsel Robert Mueller discovered that President Trump routinely trades nuclear secrets with his bro Big Bad Vlad Putin in exchange for liters upon liters of Russian hooker urine. This in itself is not surprising. However, despite the fact that Trump was caught repeatedly on tape in the act, his deeply conservative base remains behind him.  

“How can we know that video wasn’t Hillary wearing a Trump disguise?” Randy Pantson, an unemployed drunk and staunch Trump supporter from West Virginia told our CONVICTS reporter.  

When we pointed out that Hillary isn’t the President of the United States and thus this seems like some fake-ass water under the bridge, Mr. Pantson began chanting “Lock her up!” Furthermore, when we pressed Mr. Pantson on the fact that while he believes “liberal snowflakes” can’t handle disagreement and free speech, he himself exclusively watches Fox News and reads Breitbart to shield himself from uncomfortable information, Mr. Pantson began tugging on the brim of his MAGA hat and foaming at the mouth in some kind of political seizure. Furthermore, when pressed deeply about his partisanship, Randy appeared confused about the difference between politics and professional football.  

We look forward to visiting Randy at his home next week for further conversation.