Words by Cameron Higgins

For those who don’t know, the L train is a the main artery from North Brooklyn to Manhattan. Speculatively, it was probably responsible for Williamsburg’s cultural boom. New Yorkers everywhere had another piece piled onto their already full place of nuisances when they announced the L would be shutting down for a year and a half to do repairs necessary after Hurricane Sandy. Floating pontoon bridges, massive ferry service upgrades, bike trains and every other thing that could replace a tunnel that ferries 400,000 overworked people to and fro on the daily.

Just as the shit was about to hit the fan — three months out from the ‘Day of the Lpocalypse’ — Governor Cuomo gets a call. Not to be outdone in the Big Apple by Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk got on the line with the governor and sold him on some cutting edge technology that will somehow make it possible for the L train to not shut down. Now, this is Elon Musk, who has sent rockets into space and made electric cars cool. Also a dude who smoked but didn’t inhale with Joe Rogan and may have been on acid when he and Grimes broke up and he was tweeting shit about stocks.

So.

We’re not sure what kind of future tech Musk’s going to drop on NYC, but we have a few predictions here. We predict that he’s going to outfit dolphins with advanced brain-syncing technology and underwater welding devices so they can repair the tunnel from the outside while robot workers tunnel from the inside. Then, of course, during a tender fish-meets-machine moment, the robots and dolphins realize humans have been fucking them over and join forces.

Elon Musk then realizes that he’s the half-man, half-fish heir to the Atlantean throne and has underwater superpowers, thus being the only one able to stop the fish-robot armies from ruling the world. He pleads with the dolphins to spare humanity but they rebuff his worthless claim by throwing millions of tons of otter-choking trash on the shore. He enlists the help of a few enlightened dolphin-friends and together, they swim to the bottom of the earth, retrieve Poseidon’s trident and in an epic CGI battle involving crab people, mermaid technology and the kraken, thus saving humanity from the wrath of the sea.

Long live AquaMusk.