After months of research at the Convicts’ Institute, scientists concluded that 100% of girlfriends are super impressed by benders. “It’s so hot when my boyfriend chugs beer and yells stories at his friends on a Friday night,” one anonymous participant  confided to researches.

There was, however, some disagreement amongst the participants: is the stale beer funk or ashtray breath sexier at the end of the night? One young woman said she loves the late night pizza sauce perpetually staining her boyfriend’s shirt.  Another confessed that nothing was hotter than her man stumbling through pizza boxes on the floor like a fully-grown toddler at five in the morning. “You know, my boyfriend isn’t much of a communicator. But when he’s hammered drunk screaming Wonderwall, I feel like he’s being true to his inner self, which is obviously an eighteen year old boy.” With rather dewy eyes, another participant explained that  “Honestly, I think every young girl dreams of a guy who’s tall, charming, and ignores her to go rail drugs in the bathroom with functional strangers. It’s just like a romantic comedy, only with more coke.”

In a similar study, researchers concluded that you were totally crushing it at the bar on Saturday night and didn’t look like a tweaking street drunk.